All rejoice, ye god fearing men, for Hammer Time draweth near. The Thor game is here, and we’ve been given yet another chance to assume the role of a quasi-deity. Video games have always connected with our inner hubris by dropping us into otherworldly shoes. We’ve worn Kratos’ crusty sandals. We’ve put on Amaterasu’s….fur. And even more enjoyably, we’ve committed gleeful, outright sin by slaying gods and goddesses. We’ve decided to take the blasphemy a bit further by ranking our 10 favorite game deities
10. The Three Goddesses
Game::
Legend of Zelda series
Forever trapped in the shadow of that other Holy Trinity (Jesus, God, and The Holy Spirit), the Three Goddesses don’t get enough credit. They created Hyrule, which is probably just as important as Earth and the galaxy, and definitely more important than Williamsburg. The three deities—Farore, Nayru, and Din—make various appearances across the series, and represent a different part of the Triforce. And also probably Shigeru Miyamoto's three mistresses. Wait, that's totally untrue and probably legally actionable, so forget we said that.
9. Nemesis
Game::
Black & White (2001)
This immortal douche is constantly pouring unholy salt on your game throughout Black & White. After destroying your first village, he proceeds to DDOS you with vortexes (vortices?), curses, and other crap until you’ve finally had enough and forum-banish him like a bitchy little despot of a third-world country.
8. Maiden in Black
Game::
Demon's Souls (2009)
Her eye sockets have been patched and sewn up, which means she’s probably got some baggage. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on what you’re into), she doesn’t take it out on you. Instead, she’s your benevolent soul power dispensary, the only solace in a world that’s darker than an evil bear’s colon during hibernation. And she was probably an extremely powerful demon/deity in the past, which still doesn’t explain her beautifully weird Celtic accent (don't ask, it's the same reason Sinead O'Connor turns us on).
7. King of All Cosmos
Game::
Katamari Damacy series
We’re just going to put it out there: The King of All Cosmos is the post-millennial, sexually liberated interpretation of God. Think about it. His berating and fickle temperament is rooted squarely in the New Testament—He sends his one and only son (The Prince) to Earth and makes him push a giant boulder around. And his kingdom’s borders are only limited to THE ENTIRE COSMOS. If that doesn’t sound familiar to you, then you shouldn’t have been sleeping during Sunday school. Heathen.
6. Sephiroth
Game::
Final Fantasy VII 1997
Sorry, the statute of limitations on spoiler alerts has expired for
FFVII: Sephiroth becomes a god at the end of the game, and it’s up to Cloud to put the white-haired bastard in his place.
What’s with the
undying fan obsession, though? Sure, he’s an icon of the Playstation era, but he’s actually pretty boring. He just mopes around the backdrop of multiple games, makes emo appearances here and there, kills a few people, and never makes his intent clear.
But he does have white hair. So that makes him weaaboo Jesus.
5. Amaterasu
Game::
Okami (2006)
And now, a haiku:
Ammy the white wolf
Goddess of the Sun and Light
Graffiti Master
*bows*
4. Shiva
Game::
Final Fantasy X (2001)
Admittedly, we always summoned Shiva because she’s easy on the eyes. She’s no Bahamut in terms of raw power, but she can at least make ice from, like, nothing. And we’ve always wondered what her hair smells like (not in a creepy way!), although we’d probably be disappointed. She’s got those earthy vegan dreds in
FFX, so we're guessing she smells like seitan and batik.
3. Kratos
Game::
God of War series
Kratos represents the innate human desire to destroy our own gods: hubris is a patricidal genome in our psychological DNA. Speaking of DNA, this realization occurred to us during our sixth playthrough of the Aphrodite sex mini-game. #fap
2. Jesus
Game::
Left Behind: Eternal Forces (2006)
Why are we ranking Jesus second? Because He should have come on down and held a holy press conference denouncing this game when it launched. After all, violence was an option in this weird-ass RTS. Not very Christ-like, Christians! Of course, he also should have stepped in and denounced some of the religious and racial stereotypes that were portrayed, none of which vibe with His holy steez...at least according to The Bible. That's still what you're using, right? Not Glenn Beck?
1. You, the Server Admin
Game::
Counter-Strike (2000)
Is there any other choice for the top spot?
CS is one of the few games where you can perform god-like miracles directly upon other human players, such as slapping them around the map for haxxing and/or saying things that you don’t like. And, just as God did to Lucifer, you can server-ban them. As server admin, you are a god for as long as you’re hosting—or at least until your mom tells you to do the goddamn dishes.
During the Activision Blizzard first quarter 2011 financial results conference call today, Blizzard president and co-founder Mike Morhaime told us that as of March of this year, World of Warcraft numbers had "returned to pre-Cataclysm levels in the West," which is a rather nice way of saying dropped considerably.
